people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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