I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
