I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
