You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize