it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
