Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just high enough for therapy.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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