True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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