just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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