Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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