I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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