My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
