your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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