Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize