census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
