I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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