sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
