i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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