I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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