3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
