i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
