The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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