how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
