as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
