he wants to bone in the snuggie
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize