Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
