Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Did I show you my penis last night?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
