I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
