That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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