I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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