So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
