Who did Billy Mays play for?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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