That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
