I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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