so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
