Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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