and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
