Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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