you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
