Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
