I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
