Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
