So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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