went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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