if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
