Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
