you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
