I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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