I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
