My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
