saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
