i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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