so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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