It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
