Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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