You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I fill condoms, not promises.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
