Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
