I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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