I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
