I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
