I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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