Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
