literally had 100 drinks last night.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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